Yahoo! had an interesting little tidbit on their homepage today: 8 Toxic Personalities to Avoid. I always read Yahoo! content with a suspect look on my face, and today was no exception since they were citing “Dream Killing Keith” and “Insincere Illissas.” No, I’m not making this shit up. You rarely can make up something as funny or stupid as what’s really out there.
So I thought I’d present you all with my own personal list of Toxic Personalities, minus the cutesy alliteration.
The Overzealous Weight Watchers Member
You like this person. You really do. But you haaaaaaaaaate going to lunch with them now, because everytime you do, the only gossip to be shared is how SCANDALOUSLY BUTTERY the soup is, and how last night’s weigh-in went. Sometimes, during meals like this, I just want to dip my spoon in the butter and lick it. THERE. Now let’s talk about something else.
The Fucking FLAKE
Is there anything on Earth more annoying than someone who constantly shows up late and rearranges meet-ups at the last minute? You make a plan to hang out, and they show up four hours later than planned or call five minutes before you’re supposed to meet to say, “Oh, oops, can’t make it. Sorry!” No, no, I’M SORRY. Sorry that I didn’t make those other damn plans instead.
The Head Case
Whatever the issue, this is the person that can’t stop asking you dumbass questions about themselves. It’s their internal monologue, playing on a loop for you: Do you think this shirt looks bad? Is everyone mad at me for something? Do people think I’m stupid? Do I eat too much at lunch? You realize it’s never, “Hey, am I bothering you with this insignificant, irritating, narcisstic prattle?” OHMIGODSHUTTHEFUCKUP
Frat Boys
Seriously, Kappa Fuckin’ Whatever, the flip flops in November are played out. Also, brush your hair, iron your shirt and find some real pants. You’re not on campus anymore, you’re in the REAL WORLD and you are dressed inappropriately for it. I wish more dudes understood style and embraced it. I’m not saying they need to hit the tanning beds or anything like that, but a casual yet nicely put together ensemble goes a long way—anything else says, “I’m on a downward spiral, and I’ll take you down with my douchey ass.”
Tourists
I understand fully that I live in a city that attracts tourists. What I don’t understand is why they have no fucking courtesy. If it’s before 9AM and you’re stopping people for directions, you are an asshole keeping someone from getting to work. Wait until the 10:00 hour to venture out, and the 1:00 hour to have lunch. Also, quit stopping in the middle of the goddamn sidewalk to look up at the buildings. Idiot.
I realize some of these gems are nearly impossible to avoid. But at least now you’ll be able to spot them a little sooner and maybe find a detour. Good luck out there!
