To start celebrating my birthday weekend, my mom and Aunt Pat took me to the Cubs game on Friday. Now, for the uninitiated, a day with Mom and Aunt Pat means a day of unlimited goofing off, including several margaritas, at least one Freudian slip and a few slightly embarrassing (but always funny) “incidents.”
We started early on Friday morning, and the first incident revolved around my mom and popular WGN radio hosts Kathy and Judy. If that’s not enough to get you wondering, “Geez, what did she DO?” then I give up. FOREVER.
We approach the WGN trailer at about 9AM, right before they’re about to go on the air. My mom is a huge fan of these ladies – she’s been listening to this show since the days when I carried a New Kids on the Block lunch box (and yes, it did carry all the Right Stuff – peanut butter, pudding, fruit snacks and Coca-Cola, bitches!). So naturally, she’s fawning all over Judy, who bent down near the edge of the makeshift stage to shake our hands. My mom reaches out for her hand and, talking a mile a minute, launches a few droplets of spit right onto Judy’s pant leg. There was this split second of WTF, and then my mom starts trying to pat her dry. *Sigh* Oh, Mom. We probably shouldn’t try to visit Hollywood anytime soon.
All was forgiven, though, and eventually, I actually got ON THE RADIO to play a trivia game against this snide dude from St. Louis. Oh, was he snide. To kick off the game, the hosts asked us to say who we were and what we did, and ya know, that’s what I did: name, age, occupation. Thank you and goodnight. THIS piece of work was all, “I’m an entrepreneur. I’m kind of a big deal.” So of course, the response was, “Well, okay, so you don’t work then,” which got him even more pissy, and to start name-dropping Google like his fucking WordPress blog was going Hollywood or something. Whatevs.
Anyway, all the questions dealt with St. Louis, so I sucked it up out there – BIG TIME. But that too was okay, because my parting gift was a free pizza and a…Lobstergram? I’m really hoping I don’t get a live lobster delivered to me. The thought of Qtip interacting with a giant lobster is kind of hilarious, but also a little unnerving. Having one short-tempered, sharp and pointy animal in the house is enough, thanks.
Finally the game starts. I say “finally” because we got to Wrigley at 9:00 in the morning, and the game didn’t start until 1:30. A lot of fukkery can go down in four and a half hours, as you can see, and we were STARVING by game time. So I find us some sustenance and we head to the field, where, an hour later, we take our seats in the upper-upper-upper-deck. My legs are still hurting, by the way.
Guess who’s sitting in the next row: snide St. Louis guy. Oh yes. And he heckled us the entire time, because the Cubs were not exactly on point that day (that’s an understatement – they were getting CREAMED 12-0 until the fifth inning, when they finally started trying to play ball again). Toward the end, I just stood up and said, “Well, hey, this game is good practice for the Cards for the playoffs – OH, WAIT, THEY’RE NOT GOING.” Yes, have a seat, Mr. Entrepreneur. That behavior is very unbecoming of a future Google janitor.
Ah, good times.
